".. silent night.."

Sleepless nights are back.. well they’ve not actually been gone , just on a temporary hiatus. My head is beginning to hurt again. yeah IT’s back.. heh I doubt most of you even know what IT is .. won’t dwell on that.. Last few days , well .. I really don’t know how to describe it.

Al cancelled again last night, at least he told me this time . Some sort of alteration with Nana it seems. Won’t comment on that. Fit’s not talking to me … again. Syida.. well I shouldn’t bug her too often..She’s been through enough already. Tried calling a few people .. asking them out.. Took a walk down Simei.. Hell I even did something I hadn’t done in quite a while. I walked down to East Coast Beach.

"..my curse.."

Is that sometimes .. well most times maybe I do not communicate efficiently. or Is it so hard for people to understand me. I admit sometimes I do not make myself clear. But maybe because I give the other person so much credit that I assume they would understand what seemed to be the obvious to me. Why.

In the space of 24 hours I argued with Syida and Fit. What is WRONG with me? And it always leaves me with a bitter aftertaste. The harder I try to explain, the more it seems I rub people the wrong way. More often then not I end up feeling sorry. I end up apologizing. Maybe it is my fault. It’s no wonder I don’t have many friends.. maybe that’s why my relationships fail. Maybe that’s why SHE left… why EVERYONE left..and it’s always the people I love that I hurt. The ones closest to me. Yet sometimes I feel that , I’m the only one that feels these people are special, that to them I am just another face in the crowd. I’d never know now would I. It’d make me seem like that kid in school who always wanted to fit in. The one that thinks that they are in the “cool” crowd but everyone laughs at him and thinks he is a loser. Maybe I WAS that kid in school. Yeah it would seem like it .. I was.

Some things never change. Maybe the only person that thinks I’m cool is my little sis. Maybe even that was just my skewed way of viewing the world. I’m just another loser, like millions in the world. What is it that makes me special…?
nothing.. absolutely nothing.. being misunderstood.. what goes on inside me.. noone knows. everything thinks they do.. everyone has a theory of who I am.. But who really knows.? How could they know.. These days.. even I don’t know anymore.

p.s. Read somewhere that the most efficient, but bloodiest , way to commit suicide is to lie in a tub of ice water.. and make a lateral cut from your wrist to your elbow. it’s supposed to be less painful.. thing is .. how da hell do you feel pain .. when you’re dead.. LOL .. stupid people..

".. solitude crowded with loneliness .."

With my demons of reality I sit alone in my lost world of pain.
With the coldness crawling under my skin, I often wonder why everything about me is something that is forbidden to be loved.
I turn to my a friend for love and understanding and only finding myself asking for something I can never recieve.
I’m cursed with the eternal presense of the being that lives beneath this skin, soon will everything turn to shit once more, only returning me to my dark grave, every move made is a move hat only brings me closer to my demise. The thing I fear most is not being away from everyone else.
But just me ..
Just by myself.

Have a good weekend everyone..
Shidy ..
out.

".. Nice guys finish last.."

I’ve always tried to the best of my ability to be a nice person. “TRIED” many timess i’ve failed. I am NOT a good person.. And i’ve realised that being nice around here only gets me treated like a second class citizens. I’m cleaning house.. Time and time again I see the jerk-offs and assholes end up with happy ever afters.. Hell who doesn’t right. What has being a nice guy given me?

I’ve been trampled to the ground.. lied to in the face.. cheated on.. blackmailed with a child which is not even mine.. dragged to court.. arrested..and the list goes on.

Why do I always see good in people when there is none? It’s never been about me..even when I built this site… It wasn’t about me. Live for yourself someone once said. I’d get all worked up when I feel or think someone doesn’t like me. Yes.. I go all out to make pple like me.. and if they don’t i get very concened.

But in the end of the day .. I know.. No matter how big an asshole i try to be… no matter how long i could pull it off.. I’ll always .. ALWAYS be the one who ends up apologizing.. so there. my rant for today.. I’ve might’ve lost two friends today.. through the consequences of my own actions. One i know i’ll never see again. The other, well I’m just sorry to have dragged her into the whole affair.. but .. once again.. I’m cleaning house.. Fiz .. I’m really sorry.. But i gotta do what i gotta do.

Bid safe journey on the road of life to Vinnie. I’m sorry for what happened. I never intended things to turn out the way they did..I really DO care..It wasn’t your fault .. it has bever been your fault. I’ll miss the often good company you bring with you. The long talks.. The animated discussions. those early mornings.

Steve.. You’re outta here .Period.

Once again.. I am the crook.. I weild the iron fist… I commit the ultimate crime of bad spelling (weild ????) and the irreversible sin of destroying a friendship. So it’s just me .. alone again.. as usual.. Broken inside and out. with nowhere to go but up. cuz when you’re down at the bottom .. the only place to look is up.. then again maybe i’ll just stay down here and enjoy the view for a while..

"..Prayers.."

I wish You safe journey.. I pray for safe passage for you and your group to where you are headed to do God’s work. I pray for your safe return. Good Journey.. I pray for your health and resolve as you go about your daily duties while you are there. I pray for peace of mind.

Also out to Luthien. I pray for your safety as well as I’ve heard of the rife in Nepal the last few weeks. Also for your safe return to the arms of your family.

To Al. My brother. I pray that you may find acceptance for who you are. That you may have inner peace.

To Daniel. I pray for your success in all your business ventures. I pray that one day we can ACTUALLY FINALLY HAVE DINNER TOGETHER WITH AL!!. Haven’t seen you around in a while dude. Life is short. We don’t have much time left.. well I don’t have much time left.

To Syida. I pray for you. That one day you may find happiness with whoever you are with. To not be misunderstood by everyone around you. For success in your studies.

To Vinnie, I pray for you. That you may finally “.. align the heart and the mind..”. To no longer be suffering in silence. To no longer doubt yourself . To see the inner beauty in you.

To Adik. I pray that you may find your TRUE self. Not just emulations of what is cool around you. That you will see one day that the path you choose as a person now will lead nowhere.

To Fitri, I pray you may find happiness in the face of all the diversity. That your heart will not be broken once again.

To Roz, I pray for your speedy recovery. That you would be able to see your kids grow into fine young adults.

Most of the names of the pple up here are those I truly hold deeply in my heart. Those I truly love as friends or other wise. People really special to me. For as long as I am able and on this earth, they are people I’d do anything for. I pray for you all.